June is the month when many couples plan their weddings. What about their marriages? It’s hard to know what to expect unless you’ve been through it before. Hopefully, couples with ‘successful marriages’ can bring wisdom from their experiences. I will share with you their thoughts of how to choose the ‘right’ person for marriage.
- Beware of the ‘chemical high’ of ‘romantic love.’ Yes, it’s important to be attracted to your partner, but it is not enough for a long-term marriage. You want to find ‘lasting love’ which takes time and hard work (see Blog 5).
- You probably already know to find someone with common values and interests. Of course interests can change over the lifetime of the marriage. This can have a positive effect, bringing in new experiences for both of you to share. Yes, before marriage you need to decide how you will handle finances, in-laws, religion, etc.
- Pick someone with ‘good character traits.’ Some of the most important ones are being kind (not only to you, but towards others); responsible (follows through on promises, is dependable); respectful (listens to your concerns without putting you down); flexible (willing to compromise); loyal (being there for you, being supportive); and thoughtful (thinking of you and your needs and not always their own).
- One of the most overlooked qualities that are so important in living with a person is their temperament. What research has shown, based on the work of Dr. Stella Chase and Dr. Alex Thomas, is that we are born with certain temperaments through our genes or other biological means. What this means is that some of us are easy-going, adapt to new situations without a fuss, and handle frustration with relatively little anxiety. Others of us tend to react to the world negatively and intensely, become easily frustrated, impatient, stubborn, and have difficulty adjusting to new situations. And many of us fall in between. The important thing to remember is that we are born with these temperaments. Yet, they are not set in stone. We can become aware of some of these behaviors that interfere with our relationships and compensate for them. In a relationship, look for someone who is slow to anger and doesn’t carry a grudge and can handle anxious situations with relative calmness (even if they have to do deep breathing or walk around the block to cool down).
- Find someone you feel emotionally safe with. This means you can fully be yourself, express your thoughts, feelings, and concerns without being judged or feeling controlled (otherwise, this can lead to an abusive relationship). Make sure you are friends who make each other feel good about who you are individually and as a couple.
- Pick someone who puts you first before extended family, work, the Internet, and hobbies. This does not mean giving up your families and there will be times you will be needed to help a sick relative. You want to be connected to your families (especially, if they are supportive) and at the same time establish your own rituals as a couple.
- Be cautious of your partner’s use of alcohol as this easily can lead to an addiction and can ruin a relationship.
- Certain behaviors of your partner you cannot change, such as, character, personal hygiene, and many habits. So don’t expect to. However, know in ‘good marriages’ you both can help each other reach your ‘full potentials,’ becoming confident, competent human beings.
Ann Klein – Columbia Marriage and Relationship Counseling teaching couples effective communication skills to resolve conflicts, reestablish intimacy, and restore caring and connection in their relationships.